Not even a good week

This has been the worst week in a long time. My father got the wrong windshield for my hideous maroon car. Now my mother is saying I'm not responsible enough for a car. This would never have happened if I got the car last weekend like I was supposed too! Plus my mother thinks I'm a miserable bitch with an unbearable attitude..which I am but that is not the point! Seriously I don't even know I'm making her feel unhappy and one afternoon I get this note. Am I that ridiculously horrible that she is unwilling to talk to me in person? Is she scared of me?
Today! Wednesdays are going to be my least favorite day. SSR is awful. What a waste of my time. We already have a shortened day why dedicate a whole 15 minutes to reading! Plus art club is going to be centered around art fest. This whole year we will spend our meetings making bottle cap necklaces and hemp. Senior year sucks.

Terrible Fail

It didn't work out like I predicted it wouldn't. We were talking about it..How we are too different..how I thought he was..bland..I just didn't know what to say..My internet connection timed out and when I got back on he had blocked me. I told him I was sorry I hurt his feelings and I tried to warn him. I tried..It's going to be so awkward at art club. I don't know if Joyce or Kristin will talk to me anymore..I just don't know anymore and I know this is my fault.

I need more cats!

Uh it seems like all my posts for a while are going to be about Adam Budge! He is really great..but really I have nothing to talk to him about. I'm not an interesting person..I hate keeping the conversation going..none of my friends could carry a conversation on if they tried and I hate always doing it..so I just stopped trying. Also I don't talk to boys anymore lol! Boys and I have nothing in common..except thongs..Like how I wear them and how Budge likes them?? I'm really skeptical how he is going to make this work. And how he can find value in a person who barely even likes her own mother. Especially since he is dumping his girlfriend because she has trust issues when I have trust issues that are more than likely worse than hers. Like to loosly quote Adam...I wouldn't even need to throw them in order to figure out how much I would trust them. Like he is just saying all these things he doesnt want/like and all I can think is oh..yea I am going to do this and I am this and oh I don't think I can handle that. I'm not like other girls! I'm shallow, harsh, unpassionate, immature, awkward, negative, pessimistic

In my mind it doesn't matter if I like a person it matters if it is going to work out. I have less than a year left of school, no classes with him..I'm lucky if I see him once a week. Plus he is two years my junior. At least he didn't lie about his age to get into my pants like Hugh...shoulda changed your fb little buddie!
Like I know I can be Valeries friend cause she is always in art club and takes the time to talk to me when I dont
and I can be Mirandas friend cause I'm good friends with her mother and our mothers get along
People like Ally, Jessica, Rachel ect. I will only be friends with them for a semester so I wont attempt to establish any social interaction outside of class
Seriously all this crap goes through my mind when choosing friends. I'm already starting to break away from people like Miranda and them cause I know we will lose contact after senior year..I'll most likely shutdown my facebook and stop answering texts after I graduate. I have no plans to keep in contact with these people. They mean nothing to me after graduation. I mean this may make Valerie mad cause she wants to have a meaniful relationship but I just can't, I don't know how.

I feel like psychologically I'm not as developed as I should be. Like shouldn't I be boy crazy or something? Shouldn't I be going out with friends? I know that I have trust issues and I know I push people away. I shouldn't do this but I do. I've even started to do this knowingly! I don't know if I can be in a relationship? I have trouble with non-romantic relationships how the hell am I suppose to deal with someone who expects that much more of me. How am I ever going to trust anyone? My father has left me, friends have dropped me..everyone that has ever meant anything to me has disappointed me. So why should I be anything to anyone else.. That is probably why I don't care about people. People are way to open. I mean crying when your friend moves or feeling sad for a person when something happens. Are you kidding me! Really? Or people that say really awkward things like romance quotes, pet names, sweet dreams or like oh baby I miss you so much..Give me a break! Really anti-romance!! Gerr poor Budge lol

Thoughts?

I wonder why I can never stay with the same group. Lately I have just been wandering around by myself. Why do people stay with the same friends for years? The only reason I have managed to stay friends with people is by rarely talking to them. Why get attached to a friend when they are going to drop you? People don't think this will happen but it always does...Maybe I was raised this way? In my mind you have your inherited traits and you're upbringing. Is it o.k. to believe that your parents messed you up? That maybe if they didn't breed I wouldn't have such social awkwardness? I don't even know what to say to people! What I think is normal is extremely offensive. I say something I think is totally harmless and it blows up in my face. Why don't I know what is right and wrong? Shouldn't I have learnt this at a young age? Sometimes I think about not talking at all. But then my facial expressions are awkward too. I am just looking around and people think I am being rude. I wish I could just hide. I hate what Im doing and who I am. I cant seem to stop this crap. Why do I act like a stupid retard around people? Maybe because I think acting sad is unaceptable? No one like being around a negative person..Sometimes I wonder why I was put on this earth?

Unique? Special?? Space Alien???

I wish I wasn't so different. I wish it wasn't so obvious I am so different. People notice, teachers notice. My government teacher noticed in one class. She knew I was the odd one out. The outsider. She called me an anarchist. My shrink called me a space alien. My mother tells me things about my past. What teacher's say about me. How I am a delinquent. Why can't I be like normal delinquents? Normal delinquents do drugs and get in trouble with the law. I'm just odd. I say stupid things without thinking, I have awkward interests, I like being the clown. Should my mental disability be classified separately from the rest of the retards? Should my behavior have it's own branch. Maybe I am a space alien. Maybe I should crawl into a hole and bury myself alive? Would anyone care? Anyone other than my family. Would my friends notice? I wouldn't notice. People move on, no ones going to remember me after high school. I doubt I would keep in touch. I push people away, the upkeep of having friends is to much work. So many questions. Will my life get better? Or worse?